I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
