Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
