you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
