He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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