your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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