its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
