My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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