Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
