So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
that may or may not have been my penis.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
