I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
