i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
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I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?