If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
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Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.