YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.