i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
