Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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