it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
