If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
bring money and cleavage
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
