i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
