Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
