Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
