I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
