So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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