"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
