if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
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I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
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Do I have a choice?
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Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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