I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
