Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
