I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
