I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
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