Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
