I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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