That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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