Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think pants incapable of making pants work
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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