4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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