how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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