I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
