just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
