She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
