this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
