Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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