I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
