I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize