apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
