well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
