I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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