he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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