Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
