I think i peed on brittanys purse
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
