Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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