The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
