I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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