What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
