I think I died a long time ago.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
