Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
