hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
