i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
