If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
